reboot

Since my inception of this plan (to move out of the country) my family has been fighting me every step of the way. My sister hates the idea and thinks I am uninformed for wanting to put my life in “danger”. She has even used tactics of guilt and loss of privilege. Well in my head privilege is nothing that others can determine for me. I am privileged because I have the opportunity to experience everything as a human not as a United States or Brazilian citizen. This concern is also resonated through my fathers words as well. He mainly worries for my safety and thinks there is too much danger to consider it for a permanent place of residency. With this all aired, I am a bit concerned in my new level of safety I will have to endure and I am absolutely sure I will encounter situations I will have to figure out as they come up. For people reading this that do not know me personally, I have 10+ years and a black belt in a traditional style of karate called Shōrei-ryū. Also I studied 2 years of Capoeira as well. Essentially if there is a situation that I can and the only option is to fight my way out, I will!

However at this point my fear is less with safety and more with survival, finding work here in the US that I can do remotely and possibly work in Brazil doing whatever also to make ends meet. I have heard that there are two sections in which jobs are available, one is the private sector, but you must be a Brazilian because most companies wont pay to host a visa. Luckily I have dual citizenship so this will not be an issue, however these jobs don’t pay as much as the other section. The second section is the public section and these jobs a higher paying job, you have to be a citizen and there is a test you have to take in order to get these. I have heard that these tests are very difficult and you have a ton of competition when there is a posting. Also public section jobs you almost have to speak fluent Portuguese.

Trying to explain my reasoning for this change has made me tongue tied for the most part. Every time I try to explain it to my adopted family my words don’t ever give it justice. So I am going to try and write it down. As a child that was abandon when I was an infant, I have never had a solid bond or connection with anyone, don’t get me wrong I have found people on this planet that I get along with but something inside of me always keeps them as some distance. In the back of my mind I know that everyone will leave at some point in time and I will always be alone. This might sound super depressing but seriously this is what is going on in my head. Also if they don’t choose to leave then I end up pushing them away in one way or another. I told my father the other day its like being an island miles out in the ocean, yea people visit but there is just me in the end. And my family is the nearest islands, still hundreds of mile from my shore but still not part of my chain. I look at my sister as an example of what it might be like to know your origin and to know what I would feel like knowing my family. All in all I’m not sure if she is the best example. I don’t think she thinks much about or appreciate that connection she has with not only her parents but also her children. My sister is awesome don’t get me wrong but I think I just have a different perspective when it comes to the feeling of family than she does.

This two week trip will be to get the feeling for the city of Recife, to look at the people and life I could have there, if I was to move. I also want to do some minor searching for information that might help me find my birth family. My reasons for moving there are to kick me out of this trench I have been living in. Life is so repetitious here in the US, you do the same thing over and over with little thought to why and who we are. We get so distracted by the shiny, flashy things in our life: movies, Internet, drama, bills, aesthetics of the way your life needs to look and feel and progress. I need a reboot, I need to change and learn, I have not progressed in years. I have been so distracted with what other people think and being unbelievably narcissistic as well as being stuck in my own world and not looking at the world with the thought of “What can I do to help?”.

I need to reboot my life!

Categories: emotions, family, minnesota, move to brazil, recife, safety

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